Comfortably Numb

Comfortably Numb

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more ...Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

@Pink Floyd

nonsense

Haven't written in awhile. Have been writing. Mostly flash fiction stuff for the forum I host on www.writersbbs.com . Saturday we went school shopping for supplies. Arless had his heart set on a spongbob book bag and it took Evie forever to decide. We finally got out of the mall about 3 hours later. My feet were aching! but we had fun. Sunday Cliff wasn't feeling very good so we skipped sunday school and sat around in a dirty house all day. Then Monday I cleaned the house from top to bottom and folded clothes. Now here it is on Tuesday. I woke up at 8, came down and listened from the bottom of the steps to a conversation that Arless and Evie was having. Arless was teling her that for Chistmas he wants a DVD burner for his computer and a whole spindle of blank DVD's. Evie was trying to change his mind and convince him to ask for toys. But arless could not be swayed. I thought that it was sooooo cute....a miniture clifford(a computeraholic). I am not really in the mood to write right now....the sweat is pouring off of me a gallon a minute. Shall return....maybe with some exciting stuff to write about!

better day, but a battle of the earwigs

Yesterday was better! (Hence the title of this post)

I got up at about 7am and scurried around to clean the house because a possible respite worker for Elijah was coming at 10. Elijah woke up at nine and I did the usual: washed him, changed him, brushed him down and did joint compressions. He willingly ate his breakfast with absolutely no coaxing from me, so I knew that we had a good start on the day.

I meant this woman who I'll just call Jo. Elijah took an instant liking to her, licked her about to death. I gave her the lowdowns on Elijah-the good the bad and the ugly. and she told me about other kids she was working with. We exchanged numbers and she left.

I made dinner-which Elijah didn't eat. But he did eat a gronolea bar.

I was sitting up to write when Marissa called and said that Michael was crying to come down and could he, so I reluctantly said 'yes". Why reluctantly? Well, I haven't written all week so I was really looking foreward to writing. But Arly would be happy so what the hey!

But turns out Michael, Marissa and Del all came. So there went my day. But elijah was perfect for the whole day! Absolutely no crying. It would have been the perfect day for writing. But that's not theway my life works!

We all went to the children's meeting that night. I didn't feel like going but we did. I was sick by the times we got there because I had only eaten a cheese sandwich all day. I ate a couple hotdogs and then we went in the meeting.

Elijah was rawled up from beig able to roam outside that he plump out refused to sit in the meeting. I told Cliff to take him for a walk to the van and get his brush and maybe that would calm him down enough to get through the meeting.

But the brush was a no go, and instead he grabbed hold on my shirt with his teeth(he was aiming for skin) and bit so hard I heard threads break. Cliff had to take him out.

Well the meeting got about 15 minutes into it, when I noticed that the chair in front of me had an earwig crawling up it. I looked around for something to kill it with and ended up taking off my shoee and flipping it off the woman sitting in the chair. She was oblivious...still today she doesn't know that I rescued her from the bite of an earwig(ewww, my skin is crawling at just the thought). Anyway I loked down at the grass at my feet(the meeting was in a tent), and saw loads of them. So I wedged my skirt up under me and fixed my feet awkardly on each leg of the chair in front of me. Then I noticed the woman in front of me had a big spider on her, I poked Ants(my brother) and told him to get it and he wasn't as conspicious as me cause the woman turned and looked at him like, "what the heck? Paws off, I'm old enough to be your Mother."

I only had to drop my legs once. Why? Well, while sitting up front listening to stories about Our Soul(which is the real you) is loved by God, Arless had an inkling that maybe he better come back and kiss me. So I had to drop my legs dangerously close to a daddy long legged spider(which I then squished) in order to get the big wet kiss on my cheek. I wispered and told him he wasn't gonna get the quiet seat because he wasn't being quietand he scooted on up front again. But he did get it. LOL

I don't understand why he wanted to kiss me. He's like those abusive men who tell you they love you one minute and then abuse you the next. Just before we left to go to the meeting, he told me that Mariah(my neice) was beautiful like Jessica Simpson, and I was 'big and fat" like Meatloaf.

Needless to say, I left the meeting with muscle cramps and had to have the air condition on my face the whole way home, because I felt so sick.

Cliff had spent the hour walking with Elijah, but Cliff was smiling when I came out. HE NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME! Then I thought, walk for an hour or battle earwigs? hmmmm....I think he got the better deal.

Well our intention was to go grocery shopping, but once we got going we realized that we neither one had brought our bank cards with us. So we decided to combine grocery shopping with school supply shopping on Saturday(today).

We came home and stopped to foodland, rented "Finding Neverland" and me , Cliff and Evie watched it together.

Elijah went to sleep without the brushing at about 10. Something suited him yesterday. Hmm maybe cause he didn't eat even one page out of a book yesterday. Maybe it's the ink. I bought tote boxes...I have to pack the books away. Hate to, but The EI are going to get him a laminated book and see if he can manage to eat that.

Well, we soon have to leave for Yarmouth. So I'm gonna sign out and go shower.

Peace out!

Biserk part 2 0f Aug 4th

I thought I had it made today, So I worked in the morning with all intentions of writing the afternoon away. Things started out smoothly. I woke Elijah up at about 9, and brought him downstairs where a wet wash cloth, clothes, pamper and his clothes were waiting for him. He did the usual and then I brushed him down, and did joint compressions and he was fine all morning.

Then noon came and I made him spaghetti...which of course he refused, but I sat it on one of his cube chair's upsides to table position and figured it was a waste. Surprisingly he actually ate it. That was great. Things were ooking promising. By 1:30 all the work was out the way and I settled down to see if I could get some writing done.

but...

at promply 2:00, Elijah began to cry. I immediatly got the brush and went through the whole brushing protocal and Joint compessions, but to no avail. Sure he loved it like always, but he was ticked about something and there was no way a brush was gonna do the trick this time. So I cuddled and sang, and brushed his hair, and tried toys after toys, sippy cups, toast, apples, etc.... he cried straight til 5.

Quarter to five I called Cliff and said, "please do anythin in your power to come home at five". And he did. He walks in the toy room and at the first sight of him, Elijah scoots up from the floor with his arms out and I can here Cliff in there cooing, "there you go. Its alright. Don't cry". AND......

VOILA.........

The crying completely stops.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! to infinity and beyond! Whatever it is He wants I obviously do not have! And that's frustrating to high heavens!

After Cliff's here, he lets me near him, he lets me sing. He steals my food and comes out of his toyroom!

All I ask is for a sign. Just 1 eensy teeny weeny light to give me some insight into the goings on in his head. I know I have run myself raggied trying to figure it out.

Evie and Arless spent the day adopting neopets from the internet...I don't know what that intails bt I do know they had a ball. I was sooooo glad that Arly actually gave me a break with his music today.

They're gone to Children's meetings again tonight...and then they'll talk me to death when they get home.

Better get some of my novel written before they get here,

Wish me luck on a better day tomorrow.

'oda

Yesterday

Anyone who does not have a child with autism or a special need can never understand the frustration that comes with it. My little Buggy is my whole world and I tell him so all the time. The big clincher is that I have no idea if he even understands me!

About 4 weeks ago he had a bowel movement and played in it as he sometimes does if "if you don't get to it, before he does", and so naturally he needed a bath. I alway wash him sitting down or standing up(but that's a rarety). Because he had his BM everywhere I was finding it hard to get it out of all the crevices of his body, so I attempted to lay him down. Big Mistake! He became to petrified. I instantly stopped and washed him off quickly and took him out. Then cradled him and told him I was sorry! I was feeling like Andrea Yates!

Two days later I attemped to put him in the tub and he just wouldn't go. He wouldn't even go through the door. Seeing how distraught he was I let it go. When Clifford came home I told him and he filled up the tub and took him in(so certain he'd be different with him), but it was the same old thing. So he got a wash pan and washed him that way. That was fine until last Tuesday when he decided that he was also terrified of the wash pan too. I had to force him to be cleaned, but after when I finally dressed him and let him go. He went to his cushions and buried his head. I went inside to let him know I was sorry and, yes for my peace of mind, cuddle him and tell him I needed to bathe him and that I wasn't just doing it to be a mean Mom. But the instant I walked in the room he shrieked and seemed to breath heavy and hide from me. I was a broken Mom all day! I felt like I'd done something wrong.

I called Mom! I told her I was frustrated and, though I tried my best not to, I cried. She told me that she knew exactly what I was going through and that it would get better with time. She said that when Tanya(my handicap sister) use to tell her that she hated her and wanted to be anywhere but home, it bothered her. Until she realized that it was just her mid and that actually she thought as much for her as she did for anyone else. I felt a bit better.

But I called Clifford anyway and seeing how upset I was, he wanted to come home to see if he could calm him down(Buggy always prefers Cliff to me). Elijah cuddled into Cliff took a granola bear and a sippy cup from im(though he hadn't eaten allday). But Cliff could only stay for a few minutes, so as soon as he left, Buggy went back to burying his head in his cushions terrified of the Evil MOMMA, and the evil Mom spent the rest of the day in tears.

I called Sue(Elijah's community support and mental health worker) for suggstions, but she was on vacations. I researched the internet and found similiar cases but in lots there was a lot of "I force my child in the tub once a week" and they made that seem ok. To me that is not ok. This kid obviously has been so out of wack that one small fear has grown into a sort of phobia, I was not about to 'force' Elijah(Buggy) into anything. Wouldn't that only make the fear worse?

Cliff came home at 5:30 and Elijah was a differnt child, he was even ok with me laying on the cishions with him and singing to him.

So yesterday, my angel's showed up. Yes, to me that's what they are like. I've been told it's silly to let all these people in my home all the time to help Elijah because it was so unneccesary. I totally do not agree. There have been many times these very same people have been mysaving grace. Marjorie(occupational therapist) came in carrying a wierd looking brush, a long tube-like vibrating thingy that looked like one of those double penetrating viborators and a long purple massage tool.

The speech therapist(who has become one of the sweetest women I know) was with her and with both there help they explained to this weeping Mom that I was doing everything fine and that what I needed to do was have Elijah start associating me with something good for a change. So let Cliff bath him from now on, while I sit to the side blowing bubbles for him and then when things are all down gently rub him down with the brush.

So that brings me to the brush. Marjorie quickly went to work at elijah with this 21/2 x 11/2 white very soft brush. Explaining to me that he had a lot of anxiety going on inside of him and this would help relieve that. I had my doubts until I saw how he went into a dream-like state as she did it and when she stopped he's quickly extend his arm for more.

After a quick lesson in how to do the brushing and how to do the joint compressions that go along with the brushing. They left and I was left with the brush.

That night at around 10 I brushed him a bit(not much) and he was out, but the phone rang and woke him up and then my brother and his wife returned from Childrens meetings with Evie and Arless. They were all rowdy and anxious to recap the evening. But at about 10:30, Evie and Arly were in bed and I went back to Elijah. I gave him another quick brushing and he seemed to go like puddy in my hand. He was laying on his back but he would let his mouth hang open and let his tongue hag out, within minutes he was to sleep.

So as you can tell that brush has been my saviour. I haven't been able to get in bed before midnight for months! This brushing procedure surely worked for me and I would recommend it to any parent who are having big sensory issuies with their child.

It is almost 9am and I have to hav my breakfast. Time to go. But I will be back with more as

soon as I possibly can.

Toodles!

The Brush!

I had a busy day today, but I'll write tomorrow.

Leaving you with this picture: Could this brush be the answer to my prayers?

No time to get into the details tonight....gotta catch some zzzzz

I SHALL RETURN!

http://www.uniqueprints-si-therapy.com/Wilbarger.html

Goodnight!

My first blog entry

Named this blog after my current WIP. Why? who the heck knows. Maybe because it sems so out of reach that it feels good to see it out there for the world to see.

Not having the best time finding time to actualluy write something creative. Last time I heard from Gwen, my main character, she was walking in circles on a boat, debating on whether she should stop and let that handome, barrell-chested man catch up to her. I vote she stops but she's having thoughts of suicide. Well, she's haveing thoughts that maybe she should jump. Dumb idea! Doubt she'll follow through with it. We all have crazy thoughts when we're in a fix.....don't we?

Well, I'm having a real ball-not really :(-trying to understand this little boy of mine. He's confusing that's for sure. what I would give for just thirty seconds in his head. About three weeks ago-being the terrible mother that am-I scared him of the tub when I tried to lay him down and he hasn't gotten in since. I have been using a wash pan to bathe him. Well today he took a hissy fit and has suddenly decided he's scared of that too. Needless to say I was distraught! He has autism and I know I can not push him into anything. We have to find a happy medium and I am at a loss as to what that happy medium could be.

*sigh*

From 8 am til 5:30 he didn't eat a mouthfull. My hubby comes home and he instantly gulps the food down for him! What am I doing wrong?

*double sigh*